| Posted By |
Discussion Topic: abusive husband?
-- page:
1
2
|
|
EmmaST |
03-14-2006 @ 11:02 AM
|
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
|
Hi all,
this is totally off topic for reductil so ive put it here and I feel this is a delicate matter that i hate to talk about but i really need to let it out and think that someone might be able to help or even just listen as it feels quite anonymous yet close here. I haven't been on the site for a while but have been keeping an eye on the forums and have had real success on Reductil thanks to reading these forums - i have now lost nearly 2 stone and feel much better for myself. However thats about it no one else seems to really care..
Well its basically my husband, he's abusive verbally and although he always has been since i have been losing the weight its got much worse and he absolutely hates me being on Reductil even though I feel so much better in every way. Its not physical, and he has raised his fists a few times but has never hit me - the names are awful and he even does it in front of others - like last saturday night at the pub he started calling me f*ing fat and ugly - then laughing; it ruined my night and when i brought it up with him later he got mad and told me that its because i was and i should shut up. The next morning he apologised and made up for it by cooking me breakfast and i know its wrong but i fall for it every time - i love him to bits. This happens alot and even more so now - in fact it just seems to be much more serious now and that look he gets in his eyes - i hate it - its not him.. The thing is that he hasnt hit me and i dont think he would but its the verbal abuse that is getting me down and it seems like a viscious circle as i am trying to lose the weight and from the things he says it sounds like he wants me to but it seems like he is getting so much worse with every pound i lose - so I just dont know what to do.
Anyway, sorry to bother you all with it and thanks for listening / reading - any advice would be appreciated.
|
|
MandiRoberts |
|
03-14-2006 @ 12:31 PM
|
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2006
|
Oh Emmast - you poor poor thing, it sounds like you have the classic case of not being appreciated by yoru nearest and dearest!
You must understand though that this IS abuse and i think you secretly know that; although i cant give you advice as i dont know enough about it i think you need to get some from the relevant people as you dont want to wait to be hit before you do this!
Im sorry if this sounds harsh but please get help!
MandiR
ps congratulations on the weight loss - i bet you look fab 
|
|
katemoss |
|
03-14-2006 @ 2:03 PM
|
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
|
Oooh Emma,
First off cogratulations on the weight loss, that is fantastic!!!
Now this is only a thought, and my thought only. I think your husband is starting to feel a little insicure now that your weight is coming down, because you are looking better, and other's are noticing you are looking better!
He may feel that other men are looking at you as a desirable woman, and he may feel thretened by that!
OR he may just prefer you as a larger woman!
Whatever his reasons for acting like pig, i totally agree with mandiroberts, in that it is abuse!
No-one should have to put up with that!
If an employer spoke to you like that, you could have him up at a tribunal, so why should you put up with that from somebody who is suppoed to love you and care about you!
Keep up with your weight loss, and remember why you are doing it!
Dont let others put you down!
Be brave and be strong, and stand up to him and tell him his behaviour is appaling and its just not on!
Talk to your family, and get help and support from them.
Hope things improve for the better
Kate
|
|
pam |
|
03-14-2006 @ 3:55 PM
|
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2006
|
hi emma
i agree with everything kate said your hubby likes that your loosing inside his four walls but outwith he is worried and scared cos you are loosing looking good he is scared of loosing you but you need to stand up to him and tell him you dearly love him and you do not like the way he is acting then maybe he will see sense and hold on to you hope everything turns good congrats on loosing best wishes pam
|
|
jannie |
|
03-14-2006 @ 6:29 PM
|
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
|
Hi Emma,
I agree totally with the others. Seems like the verbals is a way to keep you down and to make him feel in control. Now your losing the weight and doing it for yourself he's losing his hold. Perhaps he thinks that if you stay fat you'll stay with him, who knows!!
He needs to get some help for the abusive behaviour bu its unlikely he will. Look at the big picture. You may love him to death but everyone has their limits.
Keep losing and be strong, the decision will hit you like a bolt out of the blue, hopefully before he does....Jan
|
|
FatGirlSlim81 |
03-14-2006 @ 6:38 PM
|
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
|
Hi Emma. CONGRATS ON YOUR WEIGHT LOSS. FANTASTIC! Your husband sounds like a pathetic jealous bully. He hasn't hit you because he probably gets a bigger thrill from seeing you emotionally upset. I reckon he has acted like this since you have known him and has got worse because you're losing weight and he is suddenly thinking "Oh my God what if she leaves me for a nicer person"?
Only you can decide whether you're worth more than being treated like dirt or not.
Lyn
Nothing tastes as good as being slim feels.
|
|
EmmaST |
|
03-15-2006 @ 11:41 AM
|
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
|
Hi all,
Firstly - thank you so much for listening - its one thing that seems to really comfort me to know that there are people out there who listen. I was specifically upset yesterday and although I think that i still know that things are not quite right I am feeling a little better today; If you have more time to listen / read i'll explain -
Basically we had a little chat last night as he found me upset when he got back and although I couldnt tell him everything i did tell him that i jsut wasnt feeling that happy with "us" - he took that quite badly and immediately knew that it all stemmed from sat night and his behaviour. I didnt deny it - although i felt so guilty doing so. anyway to cut a long story short - he said he will change and that he loves me and the truth is that i know ilove him so all i can do right now is believe him and keep on going - right? I mean i couldnt imagine leaving him and there is scope for change - they say the first step is realising your problem and maybe he is..I hope so.
Thank you all again - its great to have an unbiassed ear - even if it is behind a computer screen.
|
|
katemoss |
|
03-15-2006 @ 1:03 PM
|
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
|
Emma,
For you sake i hope he does change, and change for the better.
He may say he loves you, but does he respect you?
Love goes together with respect.
If you haven't got both, you may as well have neither!
And i hope you have enough respect for youself to say enough is enough if this happens again.
good luck with it and i really hope things get better for you!
Kate
|
|
DaveChung |
03-15-2006 @ 10:29 PM
|
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2006
|
Well, I'm insanely old fashioned and for me any girlfriend or partner is my princess who I'm out to protect, enrich her life and make her feel absolutely safe and secure.
If you don't feel that, if your husband is doing anything that makes you feel the reverse - it's abuse.
So he's going to change, you know what, he might. But 'change' suggests to me this is a pattern of behaviour, is it? has he been like this a while?
If so, what will he 'see', what will he 'learn' that will lead him to realising what changed looks like? Has he had a revalation or explained why he was abusive and what non-abusive is?
Have you heard "I see now why I..." or maybe "When I think of what I was like I realise that..."?
If not here's a suggestion - go to counceling. Seriously. See a therapist because you know what? I reckon everyone should maybe every 10 years or so just like they'd get a doctor to do a health check!
Be strong, you must be to be here, to have decided you wanted to slim down, find this site, order the products and start taking them, knowing things would change. You did it because you had a vision of what the new you would look like.
Explain to your husband that vision, that it was obviously one that contained him, that you thought of how you would be together with the newer, slimmer, sexier you. If he's worried others are looking at you, maybe tell him that's a good thing, it just proves that even with that it's him you want to be with, that it proves he can attract the kind of woman others find attractive.
You know what will ring his bells and how to say it to him. Trust in yourself and why you're here.
By the way, there's nothing sexier than a woman who finds herself sexy  Did I ever tell you about my 16st, tattoed, double degree holding girly-friend... wow, why do I find that so damn sexy? hehe
|
|
EmmaST |
|
03-16-2006 @ 1:55 PM
|
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
|
I've got to say Davechung, i am so grateful for your words. I realise that change doesnt come easy but he has been better. Yesterday he came back with flowers which may not seem like much but it did brighten up my day - I did explain that my weightloss was for him as much as me as i really feel that it is and i dont want him to think that i am doing it for any other reason. I think therapy for both of us is a good thing but i wouldnt have the faintest idea how to suggest it to him - he might think that i am suggesting that he has problems and i dont want that.
Anyway, step by step, day by day. thank God all is ok today and thank God for all you guys out there to listen and help.
This message was edited by EmmaST on 3-16-06 @ 1:55 PM
|
Reply to Discussion
